First Aid

Today I was at my desk, on the phone when I heard some commotion coming from down the hall. No big deal. No, not until this chick came rushing up to my desk, frantically huffing and puffing, motioning me to hang up. I did and told her to calm down and tell me what was wrong. She asked if I was the building “First Aid” monitor. I told her indeed I was the designated first aid person for this floor (They have this notion that just because I was in the Military, that qualifies me to be the first aid dude. I mean, I can give you CPR, perform the Heimlich if you’re choking, but that is about the extent of it). Today I would do much more. She grabbed me by the arm, still gasping for breath and hurried me down the hallway. I started thinking about terrorists, anthrax and all sorts of scenarios that would justify this crazed woman’s actions. What I came across was none of the above.
She lead me to one of the vacant offices and upon entrance, there in the center of the room lying on the floor was a woman, a very pregnant woman. Have you ever had one of those days where you say to yourself “I shoulda called in sick today”? Or a moment where you wish that you could be anywhere else but here? Those were the thoughts going through my brain. There lie this woman, naked from the waist down, legs spread wider than any set of spread legs I had ever encountered, and she was lying in a puddle of something, maybe piss? I instantly knew that this was way out of my league or my “Things to do” list. The woman let out a scream that was haunting. The freaked out lady told me to do something. I asked if they had called 911. The lady on the floor said in her best “Linda Blair Exorcist” voice “ITS COMING NOW, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE AND DELIVER THIS BABY”. A crowd of people were gathering and I closed the door. I rolled up my sleeves and told one of the ladies in the office with us to run to the cafeteria and get some hot towels (that is what they always did on “Little House on the Prairie” so don’t give me shit). I must have sounded as if I knew what I was doing because the mousey chick bolted out from the office towards the cafeteria to fetch the hot towels. I positioned myself between the spread legs of the mother to be and came face to face with an oozing, almost pulsating deformity of a vagina. I knew one thing; this lady knew what she was talking about. I could see something that looked like a boil, but was actually this baby’s head making its final approach into this world. “Think Mike”, I thought to myself. I tried to calm the woman. I told her to concentrate on her breathing. I began asking her questions about herself, what she did here, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Anything to take her mind off of the fact that she was here, giving birth in a deserted office on the floor in front of strangers. The hot towels arrived and one was placed on the woman’s forehead (?) and the others where down with me in the baby zone. Over the next couple of minutes her screams became much louder, she began cursing me, her husband or boyfriend (His name was Shawn I am guessing) and the world. During those couple of minutes I gazed in amazement at her womanhood. It was a new perspective on pussy for me to say the least. I did find myself noticing the nice job however she had done at trimming her pubes. That must be a chore when one is pregnant I thought to myself, then shook it off. This was no time for me to loose myself inside of my imagination. The baby’s head was mostly out. I could see the eyes and a part of the nose. Again I paused to wonder at the size of this vagina. It was huge, swollen and gooey. I began thinking if it would ever be normal again. Or would poor Shawn now be like a hot dog in a hallway.
Up to this point I had been completely useless. Where were the damn paramedics? Hell, I would settle for a security guard at this point. Linda Blair let out a huge scream, puffing and said “GO IN AND GET IT OUT”. OK, this was way beyond a paper cut or other simple injury. I questioned myself. I was not qualified for this. But the fact remained this kid was coming and seemed to be stuck in the well groomed, grossly oversized vagina. An image I saw in an email recently of a snake eating a crocodile suddenly came to mine as this looked like the exact opposite. I grabbed one of the towels and wiped my hands and reached into the zone and went for it. I gently held the baby to get a feel for if this would be easy or not. I felt like I was playing tug-o-war with this woman’s vagina, almost like it was trying to suck me in, in exchange for the baby. The woman screamed again and with good cause as her privates were ripping, bleeding. I was afraid if I did not get this baby out her butt hole and vagina would become one. “Cute kid” I thought as I could see more of its little face. I was now in the position where I could leverage my hands up inside of the little things arm pits. My hands were lubed with prego goo and I was now partially inside of this woman (Astro-lube has got nothing on the prego lube). The woman’s screams were deafening but I was winning the battle with her vagina. The pull of the suction was strong against the exiting child. I heard someone tell her to push. It was as if her vagina gave in. The baby came out with a loud “plop” sound. Sort of like popping the cork off a bottle. The sound was followed by what I can best describe as a queef (I pictured that drunken guy from the “Simpsons, burping and his lips gyrating).
There I sat, between this ladies legs, holding this alien looking thing with an intestine connected to its belly still within the black hole. I guess she must have literally pushed. There was muck and goo everywhere and it looked like she maybe crapped as well. I couldn’t tell as her butt hole was gone. As gory of a scene it was, I was holding the most amazing miracle I had seen to date. I just stared at the little creature in my shaking hands. It was a boy. I could not see any penis, but the little guy had a huge sack on him. As the paramedics entered the room and removed the little guy from my hands, I rose and my eye caught the new mother’s eyes. She mouthed “Thank You” to me and I left to go clean up.
It was a wonderful experience that I was fortunate enough to witness and be part of. I felt sorry for Shawn. He missed this. I am not sure how soon it will be before I can be face deep in Vagina again, but –
I found out later this evening that she named the boy “Michael”.