"Going Up"

Why me, why me I ask. Today I had to go see a client in his downtown location. No big deal, it gets me out of the office for the day. The meeting will actually only take less than a few hours, so the rest of the day is screw off time for me. Yes, it was a beautiful day indeed. I was anxious to get this over with. Just nod and tell the fat bastard what he wants to hear and I’ll be outta there quicker than a “Ho-ho” at a weight watchers convention.
I arrive at the building and realize that I am going to have to deal with the whole parking situation and “Ali” the proprietor of the over priced parking slab. Again, no problem. The price one must pay for a day of screwing off. “Dank you berry much,” Ali says as I slip him extra to keep a good eye on my ride. In this city, cars disappear in minutes. As I cross the intersection with all of the “go getters” hurrying to get their noses up someone’s ass I notice an older lady hobbling. I notice that one of her heels has snapped off, probably a “Buy on get on free” deal from Payless or somewhere. She was carrying a bag along with some files and I thought that she might fall, so I offered her a hand. She turned and looked at me with a scowl that reminded me “Witchy Poo” from H.R. Puff N Stuff, and told me to “Fuck off”. Oh, life in the big city. I continued heading for the building imaging her getting hit by a bus. I enter the building and look at the information board to see what floor my guy is on. The 11th floor was my destination.


I enter the elevator with 4 other people. A rather large black lady who could pass for a younger version of Aretha Franklin, an older guy wearing polyester high waters, who had a hearing aid, a guy wearing one of those funny Jewish caps and braids, and this really smoking looking red head. I announce my floor and “Free Willy” Aretha labors to push it for me. “Thanks” I say, wondering how many calories she burnt doing that. No one says a word as we start to ascend. Somewhere between the 4th and 5th floors, my day took a turn for the worse.
The elevator slams to a stop and the lights flicker. Now picture this, Aretha starts some “oh, Lord Jesus help us chant”, the old guy begins to sweat profusely and the guy with the funny beanie is eye balling all of us like we were all in on this. I glance over to the hot chick. She calmly smiles and I am thinking, “I wish it were just her and I in this predicament”. Within seconds, the walls feel like they are closing in. I coax Aunt Jimima away from the elevator panel to see if the is a phone or a call button. There is. I pick up the receiver and wait. The other side comes alive, “Yello”. “Yeah we’re like stuck in the elevator somewhere in between the 4th and 5th floors,” I say into the handset. “I’m jest the Janitor,” the voice says. “Well, can you let someone know” I ask. “Si Senior, jest wait,” he tells me as if I were going anywhere.Minutes now seem like hours as we all pretend that we are not in the situation that we are. The lights once again flicker, go out, and come back on.

You know how your mind starts wandering and thinking all sorts of things in panic mode. That is where I am folks!

I start wondering if we would survive the fall. I think about my funeral and headstone. I wonder if my family would honor my wishes of being buried naked. I wonder what we will do if the old guy has a heart attack and dies. There is no way I am giving him CPR. I wonder if the Jewish dude is circumcised and then begin to wonder why I would wonder that, questioning my sexuality. I think it is their religion or something. I wonder what will happen when Shanaynay gets hungry. Who will she eat first? Right about now, we have to all be looking like some chicken wings to her. I wonder if the hot chick is single. I wonder if she swallows, I wonder if it is appropriate to sport wood while stuck in an elevator. I wonder if anyone has to fart and technically, since we are stuck, if it is an instance where it would not be perceived as rude? 45 minutes later, we begin to descend and the doors open. Again, “Baby’s got back” starts with the “Thank you Jesus” chanting, the old man looks as if his diaper needs changing, the Jewish guy still looks weird with the beanie and the braids and the hot red head approaches, smiles and hands me her number saying “call me sometime”.
So I missed my appointment and called the guy and explained. Laughing, he tells me that we were the talk of the building. He continues telling me he was booked until 3:30, but if I stuck around, he would see me. So my day of screwing off turned into a day from hell. But I called the hot red head’s number and we are meeting for lunch this Thursday! So all wasn’t lost.