So I was tagged by Andi, my friend and confidant and my sexual advisor. I am supposed to admit to, 25 Fucked Up Things I have Done While Messed Up.
1) One time I was really messed up and decided to check out a local Adult store to pick up some porn to watch. I noticed that they had these little video booths so I figured why spend the cash. I sat down and picked my poison and well, nature took its course and before you know it I was spanking the monkey. In my condition I could care less and was oblivious of my surroundings. Well apparently I was not in the private type of booth and suddenly I realized that there were many old troll looking guys and two scanky girls watching me. Needless to say, it killed the moment and I left very unsatisfied.
2) One time a few classmates and I were drinking on a church roof. We were young and had no concept of what affect alcohol and other substances might have on us. One of us must have ditched a match off of the side (I plea the fifth) and the bushes below caught fire and it took off from there. If I end up in hell it will be for this.
3) When I was in High School I went over to pick up my girlfriend for a date. She wasn’t there for what ever reason and I ended up sleeping with her little sister.
4) While in the Military deployed in Saudi Arabia during Desert Storm/Shield, Alcohol was forbidden. We found a recipe and made our own wine. The stuff was like Mad Dog 20/20 and if you stopped drinking it you would have an immediate hang over. We made it in five gallon water jugs. We had Four filled with wine. Well we were all pretty trashed and we were called into a mission around two in the morning. That mission led us into Iraq and a five day conflict. Bullets can sober one up!
Do I really have to do 25?
5) I was at a party pretty buzzed and started macking this hottie. We were really into one another and about to bump uglies when we headed inside and she dropped her purse. Her wallet and ID fell out and being me I snatched it up to check it out. The name sounded familiar and come to find out she was my cousin I hadn’t seen since I was a kid.
I don’t know if I have much more….
6) I was dating a girl in Germany and she was out of town and I said that I would watch her cat. She had a full spread of liquor and I helped myself to it. I was really fucked up and bored (At the time they had no cable and the three television stations were in German and boring). I went into her bedroom and started going through her drawers and found some really hot sexy underwear and things. I began trying on the stuff and at some point passed out on her bed wearing some silky panties. She came home later with some friends and there I lay in the bed in her underwear. We didn’t last long after that.
7) I was at Seal Beach in California spending the day surfing and drinking when we ran out of beer. I headed to the 7 / 11 across the way and a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. I told him no and he went off on me. I kicked the shit outta him and as he lie there beat, I lit up a smoke and puffed away.
8) I was at a wedding and buzzed and I took the little plastic “Bride and Groom” from the cake and turned them upside down and buried them into the cake.
9) While stationed in Germany out drinking, if I would miss the train or subway because they had stopped running I would go steal a bike and ride it back to the barracks. One day there was 8 unknown bikes found after being reported stolen.
10) I came home hungry as hell and drunk one night and ate some “Friskies” hard cat food.
11) I was out drinking with some friends and a spotted a co-worker who thought that he was all that. I went out and put a “Gay Rainbow” sticker on his car. It took him three weeks to notice.
Sorry Andi, I can’t take much more. I owe you