Monkey Business

I needed to get out of this place. I had no real plans and since this was the seventh anniversary of my moving here to the mid-west I thought that it was time to go check out the local zoo. I had always loved the zoo as a kid and I have heard nothing but great reviews about our local zoo. Why not?
I had forgotten that summer in the mid-west equaled humidity. I hadn’t even reached the ticket counter and I was already sweating like a fat man on a bike. I paid my Ten Dollar admission and made my way into the zoo. Two observations became obvious right from the start. The first was that these people toting their children around in the strollers and wagons need to learn some damn manners. I hadn’t been there ten minutes and got my foot ran over twice. The second observation was that the folks in the mid-west are big. Not big as in tall or muscular. Big corn feed folk. Even their young children were big. I felt out of place.
I grabbed my map and searched for the monkeys. They are the best part of the whole zoo experience and my favorite. I found the location and set out. I arrived to the first monkey exhibit, the ones that look like they have a ZZ Top beard. I was drench in my own sweat so I unscrewed the top off of my water and poured it on me. I must have caught the one monkey’s eye. It scurried over holding on to a branch but keeping perfect balance. I was face to face with the little guy, or girl and we were making faces at one another. A little kid tried to get in front of me and I bumped him to the side. Knowing the rules, I still managed to sneak in some nuts. I reached into my damp pocket looked around and fetched a few. I reached the nut in and the little human like monkey hand took it from me. The monkey chewed on the nut and gave me a scream of approval. The monkey then jumped down to the ground and I knelt and gave it another. This went on for a while. Me and the monkey were connecting. I would make a face and the monkey would mimic me. I would reward the monkey with another nut. From the corner of my eye I could see that off to my left were two incredible looking women checking me out, watching as I befriended the monkey. I began to look over at them, smiling and flirting. I looked back to the monkey. The monkey now was over in the grass, it’s back turned to me. I again looked over and the ladies were heading my way. I went to give the monkey the last nut. The monkey turned to face me, reached down and grabbed something and flung it my way. It hit my wet shirt and immediately I knew that the monkey had just flung its shit at me. The girls arrived and I stood as the monkey crap ran down my shirt. I didn’t get the reaction I had hoped for from the ladies and they turned and walked away.
I stood and watched them leave. I was sweaty, wet and stunk of monkey crap. I turned to look at the monkey and it was smiling. The monkey was literally smiling. I walked away and could hear the little bastard screaming away, laughing at me. I decided that it was too hot to continue. I headed back to my car and everyone that passed made a face at the monkey turd all over my shirt. So much for the zoo.