Don't try this at home!

With warmer weather upon us and my need to break out the sandals I couldn’t help notice that my feet were in a funk. Particularity the toe nails. The last thing I want to do is be out with my feet exposed to the world sporting yellow, hard, thick ass toenails. They looked as if the dermatophytes thingies from that comercial moved in and brought their friends and relatives. I went in search of and found the clippers. I opted for the large ones. You know, the kind that you can use as bolt cutters if need be. The ones that are way too big and heavy for your key chain, but would make a great fishing sinker. After a winter of neglect those were the only thing that could get the job done short of breaking out the Dremel tool.
I got comfortable in the chair and brought the foot in close so I could see exactly what I was doing. Now a days trying to get my foot up somewhat close to my face was like the notion that I could give myself fellatio. When we were kids we practically could shove our whole foot in our mouths. Now however I felt like a contortionist. I pulled and turned the handle of the clippers and the massive sharp jaws opened. This was not going to be a simple “Clip” and we were done job. This was going to take several strategic moves. I concentrated my efforts on the thickest part of the big discolored toenail and went in. I had to shimmy the lower clipper blade down under, beneath the nail. I mashed down on the lever and began to wonder which would give first. Both the nail and the clippers were straining under the force. I saw the nail begin to give and lift a bit. It reminded me of trying to lift the hood to my Uncle’s 1972 Cadillac as a kid. I watched my progress and the nail surrender to the mighty clippers. The jaws of the clippers finally closed together with a huge “SNAP”.
That is when it happened.
I screamed in agony and the clippers went hurdling, flying across the room. I stood and my knees buckled hitting the floor. The nail had won after all. I could hear the sound of the dermatophytes thingies laughing and taunting me. I held my hand there as if it were actually doing something, making it better. Tears streamed down my face. The thick wedge of discolored nail was now lodged somewhere in my eye socket. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t see. I could only hold the eyelid open for seconds before the pain instinctively made it close tight again. I would be blind. I thought of “Mary” from “Little House on the Prairie” and the episode where she lost her eyesight. I rushed to the sink and tried to flush the eye socket and get toenail particle loose and free. Nothing was working. I now had a bigger problem than funky feet.
They laughed away at my expense. Maybe they thought that I couldn’t hear them. Hell, even the doctor on call had a tough time of keeping a straight face. I exited through the automatic door, head held low, carrying a piece of toenail in a little plastic bag as a reminder, a souvenir. I wondered how sexy I looked in the eye patch?