Those were the days farting etiquette

I am back. The trip was a blast and I will post pictures.

I turned on the computer and opened “Windows Exploder” and headed to “ Not Touching You” formerly “Mike Or Michael” and realized that it has almost been one year since starting the blog. I decided to peek into the achieves and take a walk down memory lane. The first thing that I noticed is how I have been really slacking when it comes to the posts. Some of the old ones had me cracking up! I decided to check the stats of all of the posts

So I am going to re-post and share with you the “Most popular post” and make a vow to get back to the posts of old and hopefully make it another year. Thanks for dropping by!

Farting Etiquette – 2005-09-17 @10:46:07 am

Why is it wrong or rude to fart?
I was in a meeting this week. In this meeting there were about eight or nine others that looked about as interested in this meeting as I was. Who calls a fucking meeting at 7:00 AM? I am tired of hearing “Well it is 7:00 PM in China”. That is who was on the phone in this meeting. As my mind pondered as to this early hour and why the hell are we doing business in China it started! That undeniable pressure beginning to build deep in the bowels. It makes perfect sense to me as normally I would be on the shitter taking my morning dump at this hour, but instead I am here listening to concerns and issues about getting product from Asia and the cost of doing so. “It’s a cost savings,” I say to myself. Then again the pressure, a bubble just churned inside me. I need to release it. Can I sneak it out? Will it stink? Will they know it is me?

I hate situations like this. Why must we have to hold in and endure the pain of what is natural. Why is it that my fart would be offensive? We have come so far in today’s world. When are we going to say it is OK to fart? I know that you all agree with me. Why must people look at you like a maggot because you farted? It is not like one can control his or her bodily functions.

I look at my watch, 7:45. Through watery eyes, I look over at Anthony. Does he have to fart, I wonder. I listen to Chung Chang on the phone. He could fart if he needed to and we would never know. Is farting OK in China I wonder? My cheeks are clenched as I hold back the massive pressure within my crack. I begin to sweat. Elisabeth looks across at me. I must be white or something. I wonder if she knows I need to fart. Maybe she is holding back a wet one as well. 8:00 am. My mouth is bone dry. I have chills. I now can hear the fart churning in my bowels. I wonder if they know. Maybe they think it is my stomach.

Why must we as a nation suffer like this? I would love to be in the isle at the grocery store and just rip one. If it were acceptable, you’d have people say, “Good one”. Instead, if we fart in public we embarrassedly say, “Excuse me” as if we committed a crime. Imagine how liberating it would be to squeeze one out on a bus, or in an elevator.

8:30. I had my chance. Too late. This once harmless fart is now a raging shit I can no longer deny. With my bung puckered, my only concern now is weather or not I can hold out and not shit my pants. That would be offensive! But if I could have just farted when I needed to all of this could have been avoided. I get up. Everyone in the room is now looking at me. Of course, the door is across the room. I make my way toward it, excusing myself as I bump into people and their chairs. Martha looks at me as if to say, “I knew you wouldn’t make it”. I free myself from the anti farting session and make my way down the hallway. I see the place, my freedom. It looks to be miles away. Do I run and risk premature bowel release? No, act like everything is OK. I get to the bathroom. I head for the stall, drop trou, and before I hit the seat, a stream of liquid shit explodes from my anal canal.

I say that we petition to make farting acceptable in this great land. I am sure that the president can fart anytime he wishes and no one says a word. Just once, I would like to be able to fart in a public setting and hold my head high, be proud that I released my butt demons and was not ashamed. Think of a world where farting was the norm. A whole new world of topics and conversations would evolve.

There I sit. Spent, tired and weary. The stench of what started as a harmless fart has ended as a wet soupy mix in the bowl beneath me. I wonder what they are saying in the meeting. I wonder if they are relaying what has occurred to Chung Chang on the phone. I clean up with the pitiful excuse of toilet paper the company provides to wipe my ass with savings, and compose myself for the re-entry into the meeting. I exit the stall and notice the look on the other users faces in the room. A look as if I have somehow violated company policy by shitting such as I did. I go wash my hands and notice how they quickly pee and get out of there. As I wash my hands and look in the mirror amongst the stench that was once a harmless fart, I feel proud. I rise up and push my shoulders back as if I just scored. Yeah, that was me, I think to myself as I strut back up the hallway to my 7:00AM meeting.