Free Falling

I have spent the last couple of days with my cousin Teri in the city of sin. I always stay with her while I am in town. Teri is a year younger than I am; single like me and she is a spokesperson for a national beer chain. A “Bud girl” of sorts. She has a kicking pad with a pool and she has a lot of connections in this great city. She has it made. I mean, she shows up for whatever promotion or event that the Beer Company happens to be sponsoring that day. She arrives in a bikini or some other hootchie wear, sells some beer, shakes some ass and signs a few posters and she gets like four grand. She does this a couple times a month. Teri is pretty hot. To quote a guy from the bar the other night, “She’s so fine I would eat the corn from her shit”. Yeah, she’s a cutie. She is self-conscious these days as she is getting past the age of the typical beer chick out there. She is pretty much the whole package, except she may have a drinking problem, but hey, no one is perfect.
My first day there, Teri asked if I wanted to join her and a “Potential” along with one of her girlfriends. Teri has been known for hooking Mike up with some of the finest beauties on earth. She is also known for her ability to get into any and all of the elite parties in town, so when she offered there was no way I could say no.
We met up with the “potential” that Teri hoped to be riding later that evening and her girlfriend. I was not digging the girlfriend from the get go. She was not the usual hottie I had expected to be hanging out with. She wasn’t ugly or anything, but she was like five foot, and was carrying a few extra pounds. She reminded me of Ms. Piggy from the Muppets. I shot a glance over to Teri and she gave me a look like “PLEASE”. I gave her my own look as if to say, “You owe me”. Teri and I are very close. We grew up 4 houses from one another and knew each other well. I would do this for her. She would make it worth my while later after this guy pounded her inside out.
The evening was going fine; we had dinner (Mexican) and started getting our drinks on. We were scheduled to go to a party later that evening in one of the big casinos. We had some time to kill and it was obvious that Mr. Potential was down with Teri. She herself was not being real shy. Watching her work this guy was pretty entertaining. I am not sure that I would have done any better. Somewhere into the several drinks, Ms Piggy decided that we should all go to the Stratosphere and ride X SCREAM (At 866 feet, X Scream is the world’s third highest thrill ride. Shaped like a giant teeter-totter, X Scream is an open vehicle that propels riders head-first, 27 feet over the edge of the Stratosphere Tower and dangles them weightlessly above the Strip before pulling it’s riders back and over again for more). The Stratosphere is a huge tower, casino. It resembles the Seattle Sky Needle and the Toronto CN Tower. I had been friendly, even cordial to Piggy thus far. But Mike is not a huge fan of heights and Piggy wouldn’t stop with the “It would be fun” shit. I gave Piggy the death stare as to tell her “shut up bitch, or I’ll make pork rinds outta your ass”. I don’t know if it were the alcohol, the environment or the fact that she thought I might dig her, but Piggy was giddy and wouldn’t let up on the whole X SCREAM thing. We finished our drinks and it was unanimous (my vote wasn’t heard).
Off to the Stratosphere we went. We rode the lift all the way to the top, and exited onto a platform in the sky. Before us was the ride. We headed to our seats. Teri and “Mr. Hard On” got into the far two seats while I got stuck with Piggy riding the inside chairs. Did I mention that Mike was not into heights? The attendant came to assure that the bar was completely locked over us. I couldn’t help notice that Piggy’s bar was really snug around and over her plump, squatty body. Piggy didn’t look so good. I was hesitant about this whole “experience”, but Piggy looked petrified. She began to say something, but it was too late. It was all over but the crying. I heard a metallic CLUNK and we were shot head first over the side. I felt my testicles in my throat as we plummeted. It looked like we were falling to our deaths. The few seconds seemed like a lifetime. Piggy was squealing with fear. I couldn’t help notice her chins flapping from the G Force. With all of the panic going on inside of me, I found Piggy’s face contortions quite amusing. The ride came to a sudden halt and I thought that we would be thrown from our seats. There we were hanging face down looking over Sin City. If I understood correctly we would be reeled in and the ride would repeat once more. Not this time boys and girls. Something was very wrong. We were still out there in mid air and I could hear motors winding. We were stuck. I was about to yell, “Who’s idea was this” when Piggy lost her groceries. As Piggy hurled I recalled watching her shoving the tacos into her face. I remember the massive Carne Asada Burrito covered in Pico slop. All of that was now hurdling downward to the unsuspecting tourist or hooker below. I was doing my best to avoid the propelling puke as I watched the soupy mix spew from Piggy’s mouth and nose. About the time I stopped dry heaving, ready to try and calm and console Piggy, I heard a loud undeniable sound. The smell was instant, and although I couldn’t visually confirm, Piggy had crapped her pants. My fear of heights was forgotten as I tried my best to hold down my own meal. Eyes watering, dry heaving, the ride began to return to the platform. We exited the chairs to the apologetic attendant and it was over. “Piggy had left the building” or was out of the picture for the rest of the evening. Piggy was mortified as she rushed away in her soggy pants. Traces of pinto bean juice dried stiff to her face.
The party was off the hook. I ended my evening in Teri’s hot tub, drinking a martini. Sure, I was alone and Teri was probably inside getting her tonsils tickled by “The Potential”, but I had overcome my fear of heights, got out of hanging with Piggy, went to a hopping party, and get the opportunity to share this with you.
It’s good to be back! I hope that you all had a wonderful Xmas