Back from the ER

For those of you that know me, or have read this blog you know that I like to share with you my bowels and the movement of said bowels. You will also know that I do not like “Away Games”, meaning I like to crap exclusively on my own toilet unless it is absolutely an emergency. Well this was and turned out to be a bigger emergency than I had planned for.

{Disclaimer – I know that I some times tend to take the liberty of stretching the facts in some of my posts. For the record, this is 100% an accurate account of such events}

I left work and headed over to a friend’s house. We were to go out and catch a movie and a bite to eat. We both arrived at said friend’s house from work about the same time. Said friend wanted to take a shower and change before we headed out. No problem. While said friend was showering, I had the urge, the one that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can not ignore. The eye watering, gut wrenching, gas bubble of a shit in the works. I knew we were on the road, but this game would have to be played. Luckily, said friend had a guest bathroom. I figured that I could get in and out without being noticed. I get into the guest bathroom, undo the belt, release the button, and drop trou. Before my ass can hit the seat the rush of release came. As uncommon as it is for me to be in this position, the relief I felt was beyond words. It was an almost orgasmic feeling as I purged the poisons within my bowels. Once the quivering subsided and I knew the mission had been accomplished, I was proud that this time I was victorious at the away game. In my haste however, I hadn’t the time to do the usual 10 point inspection of the surroundings insuring that it was safe to unload. MISTAKE NUMBER ONE. In my haste to complete the deposit and get outta there before said friend realized I was taking a huge dump in their guest bathroom, I failed to notice that there was no clean up material. Not even an empty roll. I quickly went through the cabinets searching for something that I could use. Nothing! There I sat unclothed in the most undignified position with out anything to wipe my ass with.
THAT IS WHEN I SAW IT







MISTAKE NUMBER TWO. I picked up the container and was relieved. Said friend had seemed to move into the modern age and instead of the old boring ass wipeage, said friend had the latest and greatest tool for ass wiping. “Clean up Wipes” the container said. “Lemon scented and quilted”. It sounded very refreshing!
On our way to the movie, I got a burning sensation that words can not describe. My ass was literally on fire. Over what seemed like seconds, it spread to my whole crotch area, too include the twins. Said friend asked what was wrong. I barely could catch my breath to explain the events in my nether regions. I explained to said friend that I must be having an allergic reaction to the toilet wipes. I quickly explained the away game to said friend in which, said friend began laughing hysterically. Said friend suggested that we make our way to the closest ER. Said friend explained that the “Clean up wipes” that I had used on my ass and nether region were actually bathroom cleaning supplies.
I write to you, back from the ER, humiliated as each and every person there tried unsuccessfully not to bust out laughing. My anus is swollen to the size of a tennis ball (probably more like the size of a golf ball, but it feels much worse) and I have a chemical burn across my ass and other “Important” areas.
Just thought that I would share that.