May the force be with you

Thank you to the girl, you know who you are. The one I flirted with briefly and found out that you were part of a bachlorette party!

I went back to the scene of the alleged crime looking for my cell phone, bike or anything else I may have lost. The manager called me into the back room and handed me a disc. I had no clue as to what it was I held in my hands. He snatched it back in put it into a player and I watched the events from that night unfold before me. The lovely girl who was recording the bachlorette video caught everything on film and sacrificed her and her bride to be’s night of frolicking and festivities in hopes that she could save my ass!

I have as many of you have suggested “Lawyered up” and late this afternoon after seeing the tape the DA has offered to drop the charges to a lesser offense. NOT! I can clearly see me with my hands up in the air, not resisting. I can clearly see the officer with a closed fist punch me. I can clearly see the other officer swing his leg back and not once, not twice, but several times kicking the shit outta me. Can anyone say “Rodney King”? No Mr. District Attorney, I will not allow you to drop the charges. I will not allow you to make this go away. White, Black, Yellow or Brown. You are here to “Protect and Serve”. Not beat the shit out of innocent people. “People” being the main focus. Select your twelve people. Let them view the video. Then, let them decide!

P.S. To the girl in the bachlorette group. If by chance you are reading this, I owe you and will offer to take you and the entire bridal party out for a meal and anything else your hearts may desire!

I fought the law and the law won

I have really gone and out done myself this time. I am in BIG trouble. Let’s go back to Saturday afternoon, one week ago.

It was a great weekend. I purchased a motorcycle and was enjoying the warmth upon my skin as I cruised it around town. I was to meet a friend at this outdoor eatery and bar. I got there and the place was hoping. Mind you it was only four in the afternoon. Beautiful girls prancing around in their summer clothes, cleavage and skin every where. It was not my intention to stay very long, but after a few beverages the sun had disappeared and I was having fun, dancing, drinking and drunk dialing. (You know who you are). The fun continued until there was an altercation. A fight had broken out with many people involved. I looked around and only saw one bouncer guy, so as this guy was getting ready to punch this other guy, I tackled him to the floor and held him there. The situation soon was under control, the fighters were escorted out and the partying continued (the manager paid my bar tab for helping out, although I didn’t really do anything). I looked at my watch and knew that it was getting late so I started drinking water like a fish and sobered up. About an hour later I decided it was time to depart.

I got onto the bike and was heading to pull out and was rammed from behind by a vehicle. It knocked me to the ground and although I didn’t feel injured, I was shaken up a bit. The doors of the truck opened and I knew the shit was about to hit the fan. The guys from the fight exited the vehicle and were approaching. I will not go into the details, but I was holding my own against the two guys. We were right outside the outdoor bar and I guess that someone called the cops. They were there and I thought that the ordeal was over. The police stared at me. Although my arms were raised and I identified myself, they began punching and kicking me to the ground. Not cool. So this is where I crossed that fine line between right and wrong, good and evil, law and order. It is still a blur as I type this. My adrenaline was in control. I remember hitting one cop and he went down and was out. Another came at me with a nightclub, which I snatched from him and cracked him in the knee with. Before I knew it there were cops and people every where brawling. I remember turning just in time to see the tiny electrode hit and puncture my skin. I felt the shock, and grasped the line and yanked the thing out. Another and another hit and I went to turn and was cracked in the head with something.

I can’t go into details about what happened next pending a trial, but basically I was taken to the police station and refused to blow into their breathalyzer or allow them to draw my blood. I was mistreated and brutalized to which I fought back and an officer had to go to the hospital. All in all during my stay there that night I was assaulted five separate occasions. I found out later that they suspected that I was on drugs, PCP due to the way I was taking the police down. They questioned me several times without allowing me legal representation. I wasn’t allowed to make a call. They basically tried to get me to confess that it was all my doing and they were just doing their job. I would not. No one knew that I was there. My saving grace was my friend and road dawg Jessica (who I swore on my life that I would never mention or talk about on my blog, but since she commented she is fair game), she and her boyfriend somehow found out what had happened and between her and my boss got me released.

Yesterday I went in front of a judge and pled “Not Guilty”. I am charged with felony battery and assault, resisting arrest, dui, driving a motorcycle with out a proper license, carrying a concealed weapon, making terrorist threats, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. My boss has put me on administrative leave after I cussed him out. I have been ordered by my employer to attend “Anger management” counseling and attend an “Alcohol” treatment program. I am home now for the first time since the ordeal. I need to find an attorney. I will have to go to trial. I have decided that once I do and this is over, I am packing up and leaving. Where? Anywhere but here. On Monday I will further make this final by submitting my resignation. I have lost faith in our country and the people that are in place to protect us.

So I was tagged by Andi, my friend and confidant and my sexual advisor. I am supposed to admit to, 25 Fucked Up Things I have Done While Messed Up.
1) One time I was really messed up and decided to check out a local Adult store to pick up some porn to watch. I noticed that they had these little video booths so I figured why spend the cash. I sat down and picked my poison and well, nature took its course and before you know it I was spanking the monkey. In my condition I could care less and was oblivious of my surroundings. Well apparently I was not in the private type of booth and suddenly I realized that there were many old troll looking guys and two scanky girls watching me. Needless to say, it killed the moment and I left very unsatisfied.
2) One time a few classmates and I were drinking on a church roof. We were young and had no concept of what affect alcohol and other substances might have on us. One of us must have ditched a match off of the side (I plea the fifth) and the bushes below caught fire and it took off from there. If I end up in hell it will be for this.
3) When I was in High School I went over to pick up my girlfriend for a date. She wasn’t there for what ever reason and I ended up sleeping with her little sister.
4) While in the Military deployed in Saudi Arabia during Desert Storm/Shield, Alcohol was forbidden. We found a recipe and made our own wine. The stuff was like Mad Dog 20/20 and if you stopped drinking it you would have an immediate hang over. We made it in five gallon water jugs. We had Four filled with wine. Well we were all pretty trashed and we were called into a mission around two in the morning. That mission led us into Iraq and a five day conflict. Bullets can sober one up!
Do I really have to do 25?
5) I was at a party pretty buzzed and started macking this hottie. We were really into one another and about to bump uglies when we headed inside and she dropped her purse. Her wallet and ID fell out and being me I snatched it up to check it out. The name sounded familiar and come to find out she was my cousin I hadn’t seen since I was a kid.
I don’t know if I have much more….
6) I was dating a girl in Germany and she was out of town and I said that I would watch her cat. She had a full spread of liquor and I helped myself to it. I was really fucked up and bored (At the time they had no cable and the three television stations were in German and boring). I went into her bedroom and started going through her drawers and found some really hot sexy underwear and things. I began trying on the stuff and at some point passed out on her bed wearing some silky panties. She came home later with some friends and there I lay in the bed in her underwear. We didn’t last long after that.
7) I was at Seal Beach in California spending the day surfing and drinking when we ran out of beer. I headed to the 7 / 11 across the way and a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. I told him no and he went off on me. I kicked the shit outta him and as he lie there beat, I lit up a smoke and puffed away.
8) I was at a wedding and buzzed and I took the little plastic “Bride and Groom” from the cake and turned them upside down and buried them into the cake.
9) While stationed in Germany out drinking, if I would miss the train or subway because they had stopped running I would go steal a bike and ride it back to the barracks. One day there was 8 unknown bikes found after being reported stolen.
10) I came home hungry as hell and drunk one night and ate some “Friskies” hard cat food.
11) I was out drinking with some friends and a spotted a co-worker who thought that he was all that. I went out and put a “Gay Rainbow” sticker on his car. It took him three weeks to notice.
Sorry Andi, I can’t take much more. I owe you

Dont ask dont tell

I usually do not like to post about politics or religion or anything that is serious for that matter. Today I heard a story on the radio that I thought was a gag. I did some investigation and discovered that it was not. This was reported from BBC News:
“The US military investigated building a “gay bomb”, which would make enemy soldiers “sexually irresistible” to each other, government papers say.
The plan for a so-called “love bomb” envisaged an aphrodisiac chemical that would provoke widespread homosexual behavior among troops, causing what the military called a “distasteful but completely non-lethal” blow to morale.”
It took a minute for it to set in for me too, I’ll wait. So ok, I’ll buy into for the sake of this post. We the big, bad Americans go and drop this “Gay Bomb” on some unsuspecting country. This gas releases and turns everyone homosexual. What then? While the country is in one huge circle jerk playing with one another we are going to walk in and take over? Would we be wearing “Gay Gas Masks” to filter out this chemical? If not wouldn’t our troops breathe the gas and then just join in on the orgy? What if one were already gay and breathed in the gas. Would they then all of a sudden desire the opposite sex? What about the females? Would the chemical affect them as well? If so they should bottle that shit. I could find many other uses for that besides war.
Other ideas were:
“Sting me/attack me” chemical weapon to attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats towards enemy troops.
“Another idea was to develop a chemical causing “severe and lasting halitosis”, so that enemy forces would be obvious even when they tried to blend in with civilians.”
“In a variation on that idea, researchers pondered a “Who? Me?” bomb, which would simulate flatulence in enemy ranks. However, researchers concluded that the premise for such a device was fatally flawed because “people in many areas of the world do not find fecal odor offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis”
After reading this it made me feel safe and have even more confidence in the people running our country and taking my taxes and putting them to good use!
Have a nice day

Counseling Session

I wasn’t real sure what a “Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor” meant, but I pictured and elderly dude in a played out sports coat sitting behind a large desk in an office straight out of the “Sixties”. I don’t know why, but that is what I expected. I have known for months that I had issues. I think it really came to the surface last year when the tailgater pissed me off such that I acted on the anger and slammed on my brakes causing a huge mess. Not to mention totaling my car. Since that time there has been many “Close Calls” of where I just want to snap and react. Maybe this would be a good thing. Maybe this would help. I had my doubts, but I was here.
The door opened and a woman appeared. She was probably my age give or take a few years. She was dressed very professional and kinda cute. “The old guy at least has taste in the women he hires”, I thought to myself. The woman greeted me and said, “I am Gretchen Johnson”. This was the “G. Johnson” I was here to see? I followed Gretchen into her office. There was a large desk over in the corner. There were many framed degrees and certificates perfectly hung around the room. There were two rather large sofas and a recliner all strategically placed in the center of the room. I sat and Gretchen sat in the chair across from me. “You want me to lay down”, I asked in a joking manner. “If you would feel more comfortable in doing so, go right ahead” she replied calmly without emotion. I did not lie down, but rather sat back and gave Gretchen a look over. “Why are you here?” she said, breaking my concentration and interrupting my fantasies of seeing her in her underwear. “I think that I might have a anger control issue”. I explained to her some of the reasons for my thinking. I explained to her that I hate stupidity and stupid people. I told her how I despised ignorance and gave her some examples of my frustration and how I wanted to react.
She asked me to recall the last time I felt frustrated and angry and how did I react or want to react. I thought that I would share this with you all. After all, you are the best therapy.
The Problem:
Ever since I have moved into the house, I have noticed almost daily that this old guy comes by walking his little “Rat Dog” which is smaller than my cat. He blatantly looks around and then proceeds to bring the little fucker into my yard where it proceeds to take a crap. For a small dog this thing can drop one hell of a log. Then, once “Fifi” is done, the guy walks away like nothing has happened. No little plastic baggie, no attempt to take crap with him. Just shit and leave and let Mike worry about it and hope that he doesn’t step in the human sized crap.
Her eyes were wide as I ranted and went on about the dog and the old guy letting it shit in my yard. I saw the look on her face and chilled out a little. I didn’t want to scare her off, at least not on the first visit. She asked me if I could do anything, what would I do? “With out beating the crap outta him”, I asked. She gave me a stern look, which was actually kinda hot. For a moment I felt the oh so familiar tug of my imagination beginning to wander.
My Answer:
The next time the old guy with the pussy ass, sorry excuse for a dog comes by, I will watch and wait. I will stand there and let the little fucker take his crap, I will watch as the old guy acts like it is OK, his right and then I will silently without being noticed, follow them to HIS house where I will drop my pants and squat and take a crap in his yard. That is what I want to do!
She quickly stood and went to her desk. She picked up the phone and quietly talked to someone. She flashed me a fake “Everything is OK” smile and after a minute or so, hung the phone up. She slowly began coming my way and there was a knock at the door. She answered it and a person handed her a slip of paper. She closed the door and walked over and handed my the paper. It was a prescription. She told me that the medication should balance me out. She told me that we (her and I) will require several sessions. She told me that the receptionist would schedule my next visit. Then she hurried me out of the office.
Was it something I said?

Settling in

Well I finally think that I am fully moved into the house. I sort of feel guilty coming in and taking over the place while dear ol’ Mom is sitting in that place drooling and shitting in her pants thinking she is Judy Garland. Overall though, I think that it is for the best. One really never realizes how much crap they truly have until they have to move that crap. I think that once I get things arranged and start going through the boxes, I will have me a good old fashion “Yard Sale”.
I haven’t totally gotten used to being here. It is much larger than my apartment and all night long I hear noises and things that sound like noises. If you know me then you know that reeks havoc on my imagination. I think that there may be a ghost living here as well. The jury is still out.
I have been avoiding the neighbors and the neighborhood. You can imagine that a new face moving in has the whole street curious. They have seen me around before. With the fire and moving Mom (or Judy) out of the house, they have a pretty good idea of who I am. Yet they still gawk and peek out of their windows and wave as I come and go. One thing I need to keep in mind living here is that there are many windows. I carried the “Clothing Optional” philosophy over from my apartment. The other night I was up and about unpacking in my drawers and this old couple was staring in as they walked by. I need to get some drapes or a sheet or something. Then there is the neighbor directly behind me. Here in the Midwest the yards are wide open and connect one to their neighbors yard. I am used to growing up where we all enjoy our privacy and have eight-foot privacy fences. The yard is not the issue however. The guy has a teen-aged daughter whom I have caught gawking from the window as I was moving in. If I were to guess I would say she is 16 or 17, but you really can not tell these days. For all I know she could be 12. Twice now from my bathroom which looks directly into their back yard I have been stopped in my tracks, drooling and fantasizing as she lay there tanning. I felt like the geek older brother from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. She has an incredible body (not sure what they put in the food these days) and although I am not a pervert (OK, maybe a tad) I am a guy! I may say something to the Father. Dunno? What do you think?
Once I get settled I will be back on track and posting regularly with hopefully more interesting stuff. Until then, HHNT on Wednesday eve. Peace Out!

666

Well, I had to reformat the bitch, but it is again up and running. I did back up a lot of stuff, but also lost a lot (to include month’s worth of HNT pictures). I did end up talking to someone in India, John was his name but I guessed it wasn’t his real name. He was actually really helpful and showed me a few tricks. So thank you “John” or “Sangie”.
The world did not end today. Satan did not spew forth from the depths of hell and take our souls and the aliens did not return to take us home. It just goes to further prove that legends and superstitions are just that. But the “new and improved OMEN” did come out today. I hear they did it scene for scene as the original. Why? That movie scared the crap out me when I was a child.
What did happen today was that while I was ironing this morning (yes, I do my own ironing) I went into the bathroom to crap and Ms. Pattie decided to jump up upon the ironing board and doing so she knocked the hot iron to the floor. There I was squatting in all my glory and I smelt something that wasn’t the stench from my bung hole. Needless to say, I have a nice burn in the carpet.
Have a great evening

There is going to be an exorcism

As much as I love technology, it is a pain in the ass! Once again my “Dell” computer is possessed. Tonight I will once again try and exorcise the demon minus the head spinning, snot spewing, cross in the crotch stuff. The last time I attempted this I watched as the demon not only fought back, but also took everything on my hard drive with it. I have given up on receiving any help from the “Help Desk” (what an oxymoron) or talking to someone in India telling me “You must reboot now”. I thought about recruiting the local “Geek Squad” but then decided that if they came over and made it worse there may be a murder. No, this is something I must do on my own. I must reach deep down and overcome my fear and face the beast. With tomorrow being 6/6/06 I thought it appropriate to attempt the exorcism tonight.
If any of you out there are Computer peeps, here is what went down:
I unloaded Norton Virus Scan
Loaded McAffee
Performed a disk defrag which could not complete.
System Restore
Un Restore
Restore.
I lost the McAffee, which is not big deal and expected
But now my task bar and start Menu is stuck in some funk. Kinda like “Classic Mode” and I still can not defrag which I need to do desperately.
So, hopefully I will report back tomorrow that all went well. If not then expect that I was swallowed by Satan and am residing somewhere in Dell hell!

On the Road Again

I know I haven’t been posting much. I have been traveling for the past few weeks. I am currently in a city near you! No, really, I am in North Carolina today. If there is anyone in the vicinity, give me a shout and let’s get a drink. After talking with a friend on the phone about HNT and the need to get creative a light bulb appeared over my head. I have gotten pretty good with the timer and decided why not. Enjoy and HHNT.